Not the cramps, or the weird angles I can feel myself turning at. Not even my body changing in ways everyone talks about in the bathroom, that I’m supposed to be excited about.
It’s the aloneness. I don’t want to suddenly start bleeding after gym class, with everyone around. I know it’s not something I get to control. I know it’s part of being a woman. I know I’m supposed to be proud of it, but I just feel more alone.
Alice gets it, of course—I think Alice and I are practically the same person, sometimes—but she’s in Rhode Island, with her folks. She comes back Sunday, and today is Tuesday, and the walls are pushing on me so hard I want to cry.
So tonight I just left. I started my homework in Math period and finished it before dinner. Now it’s 11:30 and I don’t care if I yawn all through class tomorrow. I can’t be in that house now.